frustration

i don’t want to fall asleep. 

i don’t like sleeping when i’m angry, or frustrated, it usually doesn’t resolve itself in the morning. i don’t like waking up angry or frustrated in the morning.

just had a bit of a fight with the boy. kinda. i know he was just trying to be helpful, but everything he said i feel like i’ve tried. i was feeling defensive and lost because the advice he was giving me worked for him, but it wasn’t necessarily working for me. i don’t get it. it’s frustrating.

making a film is frustrating. when i feel like it shouldn’t be. every time i think about this, the more i don’t want to make a film

mainly because it feels like i’m forcing it.

i don’t know how to relax.

for fuck’s sake.

i don’t even know what’s going on. all this emotional irrationality.

i’m also tired of trying to think things through, mainly because it’s frustrating feeling lost. 

i don’t want to sleep.

but maybe i’ll just do it. >:|

Advertisements

Questions to Answer

What does being a filmmaker mean?
[tbd]

Why do you want to be a filmmaker?
[tbd]

What inspired you to become a filmmaker?

  • Reading books inspired be to become a filmmaker. When I was a kid I would read a lot and I would see what I was reading in my head like a movie or a storyboard. I didn’t know what storyboarding was at a time, but now I know. I thought I could do really cool shots with awesome lighting and composition. I thought if I could make this book/story into a movie, it’d be great because it would havevisual feeling emotion and story

What do you like most about filmmaking?

[tbd]

What makes a great film?

  • everything that lives up to my standard

What do you want to explore with filmmaking?

  • I guess I want to explore myself. I want to know if I can do it. If I can translate myself into a medium. I want to know if I have the dedication to pull this off. I want to know if I can be so self motivated to come up with a film that is up my own standard. I want to know where my standard is. I don’t want my standard to be someone else’s standard. I want to see if I have enough will power to live up to my own expectations. I want to know if I have enough confidence to have enough self-confidence in my own ability. I want to know where my own abilities lie.
  • I guess with this film will be about getting to know myself. I want to get to myself as an artist.

What kind of filmmaker do you see yourself as?
[tbd]

How would you define your standard?

  • My standard is a film that is 1) visually appealing, 2) has some sort of emotion or motivation behind it 3) is interesting [shots] 4) is from a point of view that is clearly my own. 5) good colour composition 6) good lighting 7) good compositing 8) nice shapes 9) good composition

What do you want to create?

  • I just want to enjoy the process of creation. I want it to be play time. I want to experiment. I want to mess up, but then be able to roll with it and to recover gracefully.

Why do you want to create these things?

  • I want to be someone who makes films for fun. I want to share and create things that I see from my own perspective. People are always looking for ways to connect with other people. I feel like it’s an artist’s/filmmmaker’s job to connect with those people through letting them into their world through their own vision. (what I hate about sheridan is that it feels too much like a box or a mold that I’m being forced to fit into. Not even that, I’m being gently persuaded to fit into. Sure this mold works for some people, but I feel like it doesn’t work too well for me.)

Film at Sheridan

[soc]

So I’ve been thinking a lot about film ideas lately. 

I was talking about it with Tom, and I was thinking there’s definitely something missing from sheridan. It might just be the old school versus the new school ideas.

At sheridan we’re kind of told what makes a good story and what doesn’t. We’re told how to make a story, and I feel like a lot of students just follow these rules about story making. Positive reinforcement is used when a student does do this. What’s missing is I feel like is analysis. There are tons of “bad” ideas, but what makes them bad, and why can’t they be good? I feel like Sheridan judges ideas before there is even a chance at these ideas. Then again, that might just be me. That might just be, “oh, if you really thought it was a good idea, you should of stood up for it”. 

Sure this is one way of going about how to make a film, but there are better ways of fostering ideas from students to make films. At sheridan there is no “creative process” course. There is no analysis or discussion or dialogue about what makes a good idea for a film. Especially an animated film. The teachers all have their opinions. I’ve never really heard anything from students on what makes a great film.

Given this, I want to go on my own journey, kind of figure out my own kind of process, find some sort of structure or some kind of method of inspiration, what motivates me… how did i get here. I want to answer all these questions about what drove me to take this course in the first place. Why become a film maker? why make films? why animated films? 

There’s a huge chunk of animation that I’m missing. Maybe its because this is an “applied” arts degree and not necessarily a university degree…. but i mean, if you want to make your work stand out you need to think about it to some degree… i don’t know i just feel like I’m not ready…. but I’m getting closer. 

maiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyasdfkhsdf tii many yhings on ym numd right now hahah im noy acvually dunnk just typinh in a realkly awkward oistiong., lolol

Life so far (Ramble)

Today I decided to come home without Tom. So far this is the most time I’ve had alone since a very long time ago. I must admit it’s kind of strange. It feels weird. I don’t know what it is, but it just does. I’ll put that thought on the back burner for now though.

Today was a pretty interesting day. A brief run-down. Went to bed at 7am. Slept over at Tom’s. We played guitar and bass and then rolled around until the sun came up. Went to bed. I woke up at 12 to go to life drawing. Had a brief meeting with the group. Nobody did their group work… so we’re having a meeting again tomorrow. Alison and I had a manager meeting after ward in which I got to know her a lot better. It was really nice actually. We opened up to each other which was nice. After that I did some group film work. Then went home to cook.

I spent the last 2 hours mindlessly browsing facebook for no good reason. Browsing facebook has become my default brainless/time wasting activity I’m not sure I’m particularly fond of that. Of all the things I could have been doing, I was scrolling through other people’s facebook pictures. This really is a problem. Gah.

I was bored out of my mind… and I kinda was feeling a little you know.. ha. So I did that. I feel like that might also be another counter-productive addiction. But maybe I just missed Tom. D: I don’t know. Another thought for the back burner there. 

Anyway. There are a few things on my mind right now.

The first one was initiated by that talk I had with Alison today. She asked me what I wanted to do after animation. I said I wasn’t even sure if I was going to stay in the industry or actually work in a studio or any of that animation stuff.

The second thing on my mine is the process of building an idea. This thought came to me yesterday and it still hasn’t left. I’d like to explore it some more maybe find out a method of going about developing a solid idea. Maybe do some research some homework… something to figure out how to develop ideas into fruition. Into films…. I just want a meaningful 4th year film. 

The third thing on my mind is relaxation. and Tom. I guess. 

The Forth thing on my mind is the direction in which my life is going. Specifically, I’m constantly asking myself, where do I want to go in life? What do I want to do? I feel like I’m slowly losing this passion for drawing. Maybe I’ve been losing it for a while… but at the same time maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m the only one holding myself back. Which could very well be the case. That’s what I want to believe anyway. 

Let’s see… which thought do I tackle first?

Relaxation I guess since I’m there and I feel like that’s what’s bothering me the most.
What’s my problem? I can’t relax. I feel guilty for relaxing. I also find myself trying to justify relaxation time. I’m on the fence usually about relaxing. On one hand I want to work. I want to get stuff done. I think I feel like I need to do this because everything I do never seems good enough to me. When do I say work is good enough for me and not just good enough? Where do I draw the line, when do I stop and start something else? When time is of the essence…. what do I do then? Maybe planning takes place in this. 
That’s the only answer I can really thing of. If you’re prepared, there’s less chance of you losing. Or in my case feeling awful for relaxing. On the opposite side of the fence however, I find myself trying to justify relaxation time. Relaxation time gives you time to enjoy life, to discover, and to play. Enjoyment, discovery, and play are the foundations of work I think. Wow. That was profound. I feel like reiterating that to myself in writing makes that statement just have so much more meaning.

It’s strange how this has become a thing. Self-dialogue. I can’t hear myself think any more in my head. I have to write and read at the same time. Before I could hold a thought and have a conversation with myself like no other. I think it might be because my short term memory is going. That’s what I need to do…. practice memory games. I need to find a way to improve my natural short term memory. I hope I remember to do that.

Back to the topic on hand. Yeah I guess relaxation only feels guilty when it’s not even fun or discovery relaxation. It’s more obligatory. Maybe this is because nothing fascinates me any more. There’s no niche so to say on how or what. Or perhaps it’s information overload. There’s too much to discover and no where to start. 

I’m beginning to realize how sacred journal writing is. 

I got side tracked and looked it up. It actually is a good thing. Haha not sure why I needed to prove that to myself. 

Anyway. Second thought I want to explore…. The direction my life is going… I don’t know. This is a tough one and I’m not sure if I feel up to writing coherently about it right now. I just thought about it and that thought made me sad for some reason. It might be because I… am feeling disappointed in my lack of effort/skill I’ve put into my work lately…. but now that we know the foundation of that… I think I’m going to try discovering new things. Like going back to things I used to like. Rediscovering and discovering. Watching more documentaries. More earth documentaries. I just need to be more sincere with myself I think. Maybe stop telling myself what I need to do… what I have to do. And perhaps just start doing what I want to do.

I’ve realized that childhood was full of lies in terms of career. Now I could just be wide-eyed and hopeful. Looking through rose-coloured glasses as they would say….but maybe now is the time to decide. Now is the time to really look deeply into myself and to research. Research hard and stick to what I value. The acquisition of knowledge. That is the main thing I guess. I just want to know about the world. I want to meet people. I want to create and share. And I guess be part of something bigger than myself. Specifically what, I want to say I want to work for national geographic. I want to say I want to go on expeditions. I want to travel and put meaning to my travel and my means of travelling. Hm. That’s a good start. Maybe I’ll build a career off of that.

After meeting Tom, I feel there is a method to this. There are skills… Skills to making money… Getting a full time job isn’t the only way. Getting a full time job is the path well paved…. e__e and people can take advantage of that. People definitely take advantage of that. It’s not as hard as you think to make your own job/create your own work/be your own boss. Getting it started perhaps takes work. But the more prepared you are (the more solid your idea is) the easier it’ll be.

Anyway. I just got severely side tracked. I think tumblr is also a horrible addiction. 

K this is what I need to do.
1) no facebook unless it’s for the group stuff. No scrolling for a month!!!
2) no scrolling tumblr dash for a month.
3) find a way to improve memory
4) write a lists of things
5) make time to write in journal

My thoughts are all over the place. Always. Goddammit.

Stress post and confusion

So a lot has happened recently. 

I’m in a really weird spot in my life right now. There are so many roads and options to go down.

First of all, there’s T. Passed out on my bed right now as I write this. Haha. 
Met his mom yesterday that was a little nerve wrecking even though it was pretty casual and not in the least official I guess. 
I think I just feel uneasy about it  because I’m insecure about meeting parents and other people’s families. I know families matter to people and I might just be way too over concerned about leaving a good impression. Dunno. I just wanted to tell someone that/write it down. I don’t exactly trust having a notebook journal that anyone can just read. It’s better this way.

Anyway, I feel like T has changed my life in a way. There are so many more possibilities now for me than I could have imagined. I haven’t even looked too deeply into any of them but I’m excited to explore in that general direction. I’m pretty excited because I can see that it works. The thing is do I trust T? I’ve been trying my best not to manipulate him or make him do something he doesn’t want to. But idk. 

It’s hard not to compare this relationship to my last one. I’m not going to lie, I miss E.. but at the same time I don’t. Something is just.. missing? I think with T I feel like I have more freedom and he’s more respectful of that. Not as possessive or lazy. 

At the same time, super distracting I guess? But maybe that’s my fault since I always want him around and ask him to come over and stuff. Maybe a few days of solitude might do me good. I don’t know though. this all sounds like a bunch of stupid girl complaining bull. Ugh.

This is… just… sould searching? Part of the process? Even though I don’t like it. I just like hearing my thoughts out loud I think.

Anyway, I feel kind of unmotivated to do any sort of demo reel work for internships this up coming summer. I just want to research and look into the kind of thing that Tom does. I guess it might have to wait until the end of January though. Ugh stupid demo reel. It never feels like any thing I do is good enough. It really isn’t. I’m so mad at myself for messing this up. Tomorrow though I will definitely start doing something. I’ll stay at the computers all night and watch movies and shit and I’ll do what ever it takes to get storyboards done. Ugh. I don’t want to do TV boards though. TV is so shit. I don’t want to animate either AUUUUGHHH. Streeeessss.

Other things…. I just came back from Vancouver. It was nice getting in touch with my roots again. It’s motivated me to do something for sure but I’m not sure what. I’m constantly afraid that I have no idea what family means. That I will never know. That maybe I’ll go crazy in the process of figuring it out?

Gaston really pressed that button with me when I was there. He’s all about that family maybe? I don’t know they’re super conservative and it bugs the shit out of me, but it seems like they care? They say they love me. What more could I ask for? But at the same time I mean I said that with E and then we broke up. I guess I’m just not the committed kind of gal.

I just float never finishing anything I start. Which is unfortunate. I guess that should be a goal of mine. Start something and finish it. I might actually do that with working out this year. 

Planning on going to the gym more often this year. I’m actually seriously looking up plans right now to figure it out. These 12 week plans look way too long, but if I can stick something out for 12 weeks it might just do me good. Maybe I’ll set the goal 1 week for now…. Start small…. Something manageable. 

S.M.A.R.T. Goals. Yeah. 

Idk what’s wrong with me. I miss my friends. My life is changing so fast. My life will change faster once I graduate. I need to be prepared. I think this is maybe what this period in my life is all about. Looking to the future and setting goals. Realizing potential. Getting places. Doing something with my life. Figuring out who it is I am, who I want to be. I thought I knew, but now that I’ve been given more… I guess knowledge to do the things that I once thought were restrictions…. just so many doors have been opened. My perception of life is changing. It’s going to be fun. 

I feel like I’m no longer plateauing. Is this because of T or because of me? Maybe both. 

I hope that we can make each other better. But I have to keep up. I have to be a better person myself. 

I say this as I stuff my face with pizza.