Author Archives: aesofspades

Fuck the Holidays

During the holidays I always get so worked up and depressed because of the pressure to be with family. I am convinced that everyone has this inherent emotional side to them that looks to the horizon and sees that the grass is greener on their neighbor’s yard.

I try not to care that I never got along with my family and I am a family-less family-craving love-deprived worn out piece of a human being during the holidays. I try to make the best of it. I promise I do, I try to stay positive and see things as hey, it’s not so bad you have all the freedom in the world, you don’t have any family members holding you back or bringing you down. At least you’re not an orphan.

But why am I still so fucking miserable.

I wish I was alone, I wish I could say I had a wonderful time with my mother coming to visit me. All that ever happens when I’m around her though is I revert to my on edge, ready-to-fight, stressed out teenage angsty self. Every time she calls my name I hear them as fighting words because I’ve been conditioned for 10 years of my life to react in that way.

My mom probably realizes that she’s going to die soon and is trying to reverse all this. I want it to be reversed too, but I cannot tame the anger and pain I remember from all those years. I refuse to go back to that darkness or that part of my life because I am afraid. I don’t care to have the courage to go back there and fix whatever needed fixing. I don’t think it’s worth it or salvageable. What’s worse nobody cares enough to care about how I feel about this. Sometimes all I need is someone to just be there for me in my anger, someone to be there for me until I calm down. Everyone is busy with their families.

I could just shut down and being logical like I used to, but I want to be emotionally healthy again. I want to feel what forgiveness feels like. Looks like it’s not happening, not this Christmas.

Todays Mantra

We accept the love we think we deserve.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

I recently just started the business side of Isagenix with my boyfriend’s mom. She sent me this video, that recently struck me right in at the heart of my quarter life crisis was this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlXzf_OuAzs .

I’ve been going through a pretty rough time with dealing with graduating and just being alone with myself. I’m almost in tears now thinking about it….

The video is at an Isagenix video, but it’s not about Isagenix for me. I realized that I’ve really been struggling with my why. At first I turned to reddit, then I turned to my friends, I’ve read Leo Babuta on Zenhabits, but nothing quite hit the nail with the hammer until I realized that what was missing in my life was my “why”. I’ve really lost sight of that. I want to be honest with myself, but I find it hard to trust myself lately, I don’t know why. Maybe that’s just my temporary why…. but I still don’t know my real why. The first things that pop into my head are…… remembering the time I cried because I really wanted to travel and have fun with Tom. Going to Japan, skiing, being able to afford all these things. That really excited me, but also really infuriated me because I didn’t have enough money to do it. Part of me wishes I had a why like Peta did. Part of me wishes that I really wanted to do this for my mom or my family because I feel like those that have a drive that stems from something as unselfish as that always seem to be the more successful types. Another why the popped into my head was that I was really excited to discover myself and figure out what excited me. I don’t know if that’s enough….. maybe I shouldn’t do this………………………………… Maybe I’ll just do it for my sponsor. So they can keep their house……………………………………………………………………………………

Part of me believes that I give up too easily. I think about that night crying about how I wanted to travel to Japan and go to all these places. Part of me completely rejects it because part of me see the futility in what I’m trying to achieve. Really I know that it is only myself to blame.

Maybe I’m just doing all these things because I want someone to love me…… I have some serious abandonment issues. I need to work on myself… SO HARD. I need to read every book, listen to every podcast, I need to absorb it all…. that’ll be my goal for the week. Finish How to Read a Book and finish How To Win Friends.

I need love in my life. Maybe I just need more sources of love.

I feel like a lot of my problems could be solved if I just listened to my heart and my gut more often. Part of me feels like I should break up with Tom, part of me feels like I shouldn’t. I DON’T KNOW.

Thank god we’re being separated for a while. I feel like I’m going to treat this more like we’re “on a break” than actually try super hard at a long distance relationship. I just feel like I need space to focus on me really. Being “single, not ready to mingle” is part of that.

This week, I’m going to work on myself like mad. I am going to do it. I need to be a better person for other people. I need to find my why I NEED TO. I MUST.

I want my sponsor to be proud of me. There, that’s my temporary light. Maybe that’s so round-about but I don’t know, a mother’s approval get’s me riled up. Even if it’s not my own mom. AHHH IS THAT EVEN RIGHT?!

IS THAT A THING THAT SHOULD BE OK?

WHAT IS MY MORAL CODE? Why the cognitive dissonance ALL THE TIME?!

I should just write a list of questions I currently struggle with.

QUESTIONS I CURRENTLY STRUGGLE WITH

  • what is my immediate why?
  • what is my real why?
  • why?

Film

Today my school had arranged for us to meet with University of Toronto Faculty of music students to pair up for music for our films. I woke up early, got dressed, met with my roommates downstairs and then decided not to go.

I’m not sure if I regret this decision yet. Last week Thursday, or was it 2 weeks ago now I made the crippling mistake of showing one of my former professors my leica reel before it was even finished. Obviously he tore it apart, but with good reason.

I feel defeated, stomped to the ground. I haven’t been able to push forward with my film this past week at all. I just want to get through this. I’m tired of dreading work, I’m tired of crying while working, I’m tired of this just keep going, just keep pushing attitude when I have absolutely ZERO desire to make this film. I’ve had enough of waking up every morning dreading my day. I’m so done with it, and yet, I can’t bring myself to give up now. There are only 2 options I’m willingly giving myself, either finish this film this year or literally die (or come close to) trying.

I have to fix this, I have to fix myself before I can go on, before I can be normal again. Here’s an honest attempt at trying to figure it out. If this doesn’t work, the next step is to see my mentor about this possibly, if that doesn’t work I’m going to try a student counsellor, if that doesn’t work…. well… we’ll see. Maybe I’ll start reading biographies of famous filmmakers, and if all else fails, I’m going to speak with Bieliki again and tell him straight up he was too hard on me. I really don’t like that last option though. I refuse to admit weakness. I instead want redemption.

So why can’t I work on my film without crying? Why do I dread waking up? Why am I unmotivated to do anything else except for other people?

I feel like I subconsciously make the same excuses for myself all the time. The biggest excuse I have a problem with is “I don’t have parents to support me”. I don’t know why I can’t shake this. I have parents to support me, but it’s also very limited support. I’m closest with my mom who I’m not even close with. Judging by past experience, I feel like I can’t ask for her advice because our views are so different. Usually when she tries, we just end up fighting. I’m tired of fighting my mom, one of the reasons I live so far away is so that I can mend myself so I can try mending this relationship I have with my mother. I want to be part of a family. I want to experience that. I want to belong to a group. I can’t deny this nature, but to ask my mom for advice, I feel like is not worth the risk of it going sour. My father supports me financially, but… He doesn’t give the best advice. I need to stop using this excuse as a crutch.

I can’t look at my film because of everything that bieliki pointed out that was wrong with it. every time he saw it I knew he was just struggling to find something good to say about it. I don’t know why but that hurt me more than anything. It just didn’t seem as genuine as his critique of it. Which was all solid critique, but it also made me feel so worthless. Kind of like what am I doing here. though I suppose it’s my own fault for having been hurt so bad by it. It’s my fault I had never really tried all these past years in school. It’s my fault for doubting myself and not focusing on what was important. I’m depressed because it’s my fault, Bieliki was just the catalyst to that. Logically I can appreciate that. I did this to myself…. That still doesn’t explain how do I fix this without crying every time I look at my film.

I can’t work on this film because whenever I see it, I just feel sadness.

When I try to start over, start fresh I feel sadness. I feel doubt. Which is the opposite of what I should be feeling when it comes to my film. My film is supposed to be funny, happy-go-lucky.

I try looking at other films for inspiration, but again I’m blocked by doubt. Maybe this isn’t the type of thing for me. I’ve always wanted to be a director, but I clearly don’t know enough and I don’t have the personality to direct films. Stick to bagging groceries instead chump.

Everyday is dedicated to working on this film. I pay at least $100/day to be at school. Half the time I’m not even there working. More than half the time I’m not there. What does that say about my desire to be here?! what does that say about this fucking film. about me. I’m just throwing money around for no reason, for other people’s desires at my own expense? I want to scream. I’ve come so far though. I can’ back down now because I have no plan for what to do next. I don’t have any dreams currently because I’m so focused on getting this film shit together. I am strung along constantly, I have a lack of control.

I’m unmotivated to do this film. I don’t know what the next step is. So far while writing this I’ve only cried remembering my film, and then written Bieliki’s critique of it and then gotten angry at the system.

This was supposed to be my next step. I’m looking for that fighter Christine.

Worst case scenario: I look back on this year I come out with a shitty film, and I remember all the tears I had shed making this film. How useless all that crying was because I came out with a film anyway. I’ll beat myself up and call myself a baby as I usually do. But life will go on.

I will learn to laugh at this misery to laugh at how minuscule this suffering was. I’ll have another chance to decide. At least that’s a small dream I can hold on to.

I feel like I know what I need, but I don’t know where it find it. I just need support. I need love from people who are cheering me on, who I feel won’t judge me by the outcome of my film. I need someone to tell me to believe in myself, to stand up for myself. Maybe that someone should be myself, but sometimes I feel like there is a deeper part of human nature to that. We all are motivated by other people, we all stand up for our significant other, whoever that may be. We all have muses and other’s that we care about that are part of that motivation. When I look for someone to fight for, I don’t see anyone in particular. There is only me and by myself I know I am weak.

I need a family. No, I need support from someone I care deeply about, but there’s no one there.

Environment

This week’s theme seems to be centered on the importance of environment and how that can really affect how you act in the present.

I’m slowly coming to realize the potential of good energy and how that carries you forward. Lifestyle design is also becoming increasingly important to me. This probably comes from my obsession with good energy.

I’ve been watching a lot of Elliot Hulse lately. There was one particular episode that I feel changed my life. I can’t recall the name of the episode, but it was the one where he talks about being in group situations.

My view of myself in parties is that I’m awkward and have a difficult time speaking in a group of 5 or more. I consider myself very good at one on one situations though. Anyway, this video changed my life.

Elliot Hulse, on the other hand, sees himself as full of energy. He brings the energy to the party, but he finds that he used to drain out pretty quickly and then mid party become a recluse. He realized that he was giving away too much of his energy to “energy vampires” he called them.

This is when I realized I’m an energy vampire.

Didn’t feel too good about it. So now I’m on a quest of self-improvement (in terms of energy) and self-love.

The self-love thing comes from another thing I read recently about relationships. It was always my belief that to love someone you shouldn’t be possessive, you should always be ready to let the other person go at any moment. If you really love someone you accept that they are free, and that they are not yours. In a way you’re in a constant state of letting them go. I currently struggle with this. I don’t think I seem jealous or intense but in my head I feel like I am. It’s been something that’s really been bothering me lately, thus I’m working on it. Not only do I struggle with that, but I also have a problem saying the words “I love you”.

I’ve figured out a possible explanation though. In this article I read, they said that to love someone, you must be full to the brim with love in your heart. You have so much love within yourself it’s overflowing, and you want to share it. When you lack love in your life you become possessive, jealous, etc. This makes so much sense.

I recently went to Toronto firstly because my uncle had recently immigrated here and my family was throwing a party, secondly because I really wanted to get away. Being in the city just has such a different feel to it. The air is different the energy is different…. I’m not sure how to explain it other than it was just refreshing. It gave me a sense of purpose I guess?

Seeing friends other than the friends I have in Oakville was also refreshing. I realized that yeah, I have friends here and yeah I have friends online…. but when you’re surrounded by the same people everyday……. and the only other types of friends you have are online…. it’s hard to have that different type of energy around you. Something to inspire you and keep you going.

This makes me miss working at starbucks.

Oh well.

I just want to be the best person I can be. I also just feel like I’m procrastinating, but I’m also trying to find that mood where I want to work. I don’t want to work on this film without any inspiration, without any desire. I never want to work on something on the sole purpose that it has to get done. I want to care about what I do, and right now I don’t care that much. I think the biggest challenge for me with this film is to stay inspired.

hobbies

im in a weird mood.

mustn’t think about anything art related

idk i just hate everything hahaha

what irrationalities

i wonder if anyone actually reads this stuff.

this is where i write all uncensored and shit. maybe i should think about getting a paper journal.

i really need to get a new laptop and stop crying about it. shit.

maybe if i get a new laptop i won’t go to portland

no

that’s ridiculous

i’ll go to portland either way… even with a new laptop

fuck everyhting

especially this keyboard

i really hope they don’t keep keyloggers on this laptop

i mean i work with a whole bunch of programmers…. so

dag

i don’t know why i’m so angry right now

or ever.

much class so thoughtful