During the holidays I always get so worked up and depressed because of the pressure to be with family. I am convinced that everyone has this inherent emotional side to them that looks to the horizon and sees that the grass is greener on their neighbor’s yard.
I try not to care that I never got along with my family and I am a family-less family-craving love-deprived worn out piece of a human being during the holidays. I try to make the best of it. I promise I do, I try to stay positive and see things as hey, it’s not so bad you have all the freedom in the world, you don’t have any family members holding you back or bringing you down. At least you’re not an orphan.
But why am I still so fucking miserable.
I wish I was alone, I wish I could say I had a wonderful time with my mother coming to visit me. All that ever happens when I’m around her though is I revert to my on edge, ready-to-fight, stressed out teenage angsty self. Every time she calls my name I hear them as fighting words because I’ve been conditioned for 10 years of my life to react in that way.
My mom probably realizes that she’s going to die soon and is trying to reverse all this. I want it to be reversed too, but I cannot tame the anger and pain I remember from all those years. I refuse to go back to that darkness or that part of my life because I am afraid. I don’t care to have the courage to go back there and fix whatever needed fixing. I don’t think it’s worth it or salvageable. What’s worse nobody cares enough to care about how I feel about this. Sometimes all I need is someone to just be there for me in my anger, someone to be there for me until I calm down. Everyone is busy with their families.
I could just shut down and being logical like I used to, but I want to be emotionally healthy again. I want to feel what forgiveness feels like. Looks like it’s not happening, not this Christmas.