I recently just started the business side of Isagenix with my boyfriend’s mom. She sent me this video, that recently struck me right in at the heart of my quarter life crisis was this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlXzf_OuAzs .

I’ve been going through a pretty rough time with dealing with graduating and just being alone with myself. I’m almost in tears now thinking about it….

The video is at an Isagenix video, but it’s not about Isagenix for me. I realized that I’ve really been struggling with my why. At first I turned to reddit, then I turned to my friends, I’ve read Leo Babuta on Zenhabits, but nothing quite hit the nail with the hammer until I realized that what was missing in my life was my “why”. I’ve really lost sight of that. I want to be honest with myself, but I find it hard to trust myself lately, I don’t know why. Maybe that’s just my temporary why…. but I still don’t know my real why. The first things that pop into my head are…… remembering the time I cried because I really wanted to travel and have fun with Tom. Going to Japan, skiing, being able to afford all these things. That really excited me, but also really infuriated me because I didn’t have enough money to do it. Part of me wishes I had a why like Peta did. Part of me wishes that I really wanted to do this for my mom or my family because I feel like those that have a drive that stems from something as unselfish as that always seem to be the more successful types. Another why the popped into my head was that I was really excited to discover myself and figure out what excited me. I don’t know if that’s enough….. maybe I shouldn’t do this………………………………… Maybe I’ll just do it for my sponsor. So they can keep their house……………………………………………………………………………………

Part of me believes that I give up too easily. I think about that night crying about how I wanted to travel to Japan and go to all these places. Part of me completely rejects it because part of me see the futility in what I’m trying to achieve. Really I know that it is only myself to blame.

Maybe I’m just doing all these things because I want someone to love me…… I have some serious abandonment issues. I need to work on myself… SO HARD. I need to read every book, listen to every podcast, I need to absorb it all…. that’ll be my goal for the week. Finish How to Read a Book and finish How To Win Friends.

I need love in my life. Maybe I just need more sources of love.

I feel like a lot of my problems could be solved if I just listened to my heart and my gut more often. Part of me feels like I should break up with Tom, part of me feels like I shouldn’t. I DON’T KNOW.

Thank god we’re being separated for a while. I feel like I’m going to treat this more like we’re “on a break” than actually try super hard at a long distance relationship. I just feel like I need space to focus on me really. Being “single, not ready to mingle” is part of that.

This week, I’m going to work on myself like mad. I am going to do it. I need to be a better person for other people. I need to find my why I NEED TO. I MUST.

I want my sponsor to be proud of me. There, that’s my temporary light. Maybe that’s so round-about but I don’t know, a mother’s approval get’s me riled up. Even if it’s not my own mom. AHHH IS THAT EVEN RIGHT?!

IS THAT A THING THAT SHOULD BE OK?

WHAT IS MY MORAL CODE? Why the cognitive dissonance ALL THE TIME?!

I should just write a list of questions I currently struggle with.

QUESTIONS I CURRENTLY STRUGGLE WITH

  • what is my immediate why?
  • what is my real why?
  • why?
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