Life so far (Ramble)

Today I decided to come home without Tom. So far this is the most time I’ve had alone since a very long time ago. I must admit it’s kind of strange. It feels weird. I don’t know what it is, but it just does. I’ll put that thought on the back burner for now though.

Today was a pretty interesting day. A brief run-down. Went to bed at 7am. Slept over at Tom’s. We played guitar and bass and then rolled around until the sun came up. Went to bed. I woke up at 12 to go to life drawing. Had a brief meeting with the group. Nobody did their group work… so we’re having a meeting again tomorrow. Alison and I had a manager meeting after ward in which I got to know her a lot better. It was really nice actually. We opened up to each other which was nice. After that I did some group film work. Then went home to cook.

I spent the last 2 hours mindlessly browsing facebook for no good reason. Browsing facebook has become my default brainless/time wasting activity I’m not sure I’m particularly fond of that. Of all the things I could have been doing, I was scrolling through other people’s facebook pictures. This really is a problem. Gah.

I was bored out of my mind… and I kinda was feeling a little you know.. ha. So I did that. I feel like that might also be another counter-productive addiction. But maybe I just missed Tom. D: I don’t know. Another thought for the back burner there. 

Anyway. There are a few things on my mind right now.

The first one was initiated by that talk I had with Alison today. She asked me what I wanted to do after animation. I said I wasn’t even sure if I was going to stay in the industry or actually work in a studio or any of that animation stuff.

The second thing on my mine is the process of building an idea. This thought came to me yesterday and it still hasn’t left. I’d like to explore it some more maybe find out a method of going about developing a solid idea. Maybe do some research some homework… something to figure out how to develop ideas into fruition. Into films…. I just want a meaningful 4th year film. 

The third thing on my mind is relaxation. and Tom. I guess. 

The Forth thing on my mind is the direction in which my life is going. Specifically, I’m constantly asking myself, where do I want to go in life? What do I want to do? I feel like I’m slowly losing this passion for drawing. Maybe I’ve been losing it for a while… but at the same time maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m the only one holding myself back. Which could very well be the case. That’s what I want to believe anyway. 

Let’s see… which thought do I tackle first?

Relaxation I guess since I’m there and I feel like that’s what’s bothering me the most.
What’s my problem? I can’t relax. I feel guilty for relaxing. I also find myself trying to justify relaxation time. I’m on the fence usually about relaxing. On one hand I want to work. I want to get stuff done. I think I feel like I need to do this because everything I do never seems good enough to me. When do I say work is good enough for me and not just good enough? Where do I draw the line, when do I stop and start something else? When time is of the essence…. what do I do then? Maybe planning takes place in this. 
That’s the only answer I can really thing of. If you’re prepared, there’s less chance of you losing. Or in my case feeling awful for relaxing. On the opposite side of the fence however, I find myself trying to justify relaxation time. Relaxation time gives you time to enjoy life, to discover, and to play. Enjoyment, discovery, and play are the foundations of work I think. Wow. That was profound. I feel like reiterating that to myself in writing makes that statement just have so much more meaning.

It’s strange how this has become a thing. Self-dialogue. I can’t hear myself think any more in my head. I have to write and read at the same time. Before I could hold a thought and have a conversation with myself like no other. I think it might be because my short term memory is going. That’s what I need to do…. practice memory games. I need to find a way to improve my natural short term memory. I hope I remember to do that.

Back to the topic on hand. Yeah I guess relaxation only feels guilty when it’s not even fun or discovery relaxation. It’s more obligatory. Maybe this is because nothing fascinates me any more. There’s no niche so to say on how or what. Or perhaps it’s information overload. There’s too much to discover and no where to start. 

I’m beginning to realize how sacred journal writing is. 

I got side tracked and looked it up. It actually is a good thing. Haha not sure why I needed to prove that to myself. 

Anyway. Second thought I want to explore…. The direction my life is going… I don’t know. This is a tough one and I’m not sure if I feel up to writing coherently about it right now. I just thought about it and that thought made me sad for some reason. It might be because I… am feeling disappointed in my lack of effort/skill I’ve put into my work lately…. but now that we know the foundation of that… I think I’m going to try discovering new things. Like going back to things I used to like. Rediscovering and discovering. Watching more documentaries. More earth documentaries. I just need to be more sincere with myself I think. Maybe stop telling myself what I need to do… what I have to do. And perhaps just start doing what I want to do.

I’ve realized that childhood was full of lies in terms of career. Now I could just be wide-eyed and hopeful. Looking through rose-coloured glasses as they would say….but maybe now is the time to decide. Now is the time to really look deeply into myself and to research. Research hard and stick to what I value. The acquisition of knowledge. That is the main thing I guess. I just want to know about the world. I want to meet people. I want to create and share. And I guess be part of something bigger than myself. Specifically what, I want to say I want to work for national geographic. I want to say I want to go on expeditions. I want to travel and put meaning to my travel and my means of travelling. Hm. That’s a good start. Maybe I’ll build a career off of that.

After meeting Tom, I feel there is a method to this. There are skills… Skills to making money… Getting a full time job isn’t the only way. Getting a full time job is the path well paved…. e__e and people can take advantage of that. People definitely take advantage of that. It’s not as hard as you think to make your own job/create your own work/be your own boss. Getting it started perhaps takes work. But the more prepared you are (the more solid your idea is) the easier it’ll be.

Anyway. I just got severely side tracked. I think tumblr is also a horrible addiction. 

K this is what I need to do.
1) no facebook unless it’s for the group stuff. No scrolling for a month!!!
2) no scrolling tumblr dash for a month.
3) find a way to improve memory
4) write a lists of things
5) make time to write in journal

My thoughts are all over the place. Always. Goddammit.


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