Stress post and confusion

So a lot has happened recently. 

I’m in a really weird spot in my life right now. There are so many roads and options to go down.

First of all, there’s T. Passed out on my bed right now as I write this. Haha. 
Met his mom yesterday that was a little nerve wrecking even though it was pretty casual and not in the least official I guess. 
I think I just feel uneasy about it  because I’m insecure about meeting parents and other people’s families. I know families matter to people and I might just be way too over concerned about leaving a good impression. Dunno. I just wanted to tell someone that/write it down. I don’t exactly trust having a notebook journal that anyone can just read. It’s better this way.

Anyway, I feel like T has changed my life in a way. There are so many more possibilities now for me than I could have imagined. I haven’t even looked too deeply into any of them but I’m excited to explore in that general direction. I’m pretty excited because I can see that it works. The thing is do I trust T? I’ve been trying my best not to manipulate him or make him do something he doesn’t want to. But idk. 

It’s hard not to compare this relationship to my last one. I’m not going to lie, I miss E.. but at the same time I don’t. Something is just.. missing? I think with T I feel like I have more freedom and he’s more respectful of that. Not as possessive or lazy. 

At the same time, super distracting I guess? But maybe that’s my fault since I always want him around and ask him to come over and stuff. Maybe a few days of solitude might do me good. I don’t know though. this all sounds like a bunch of stupid girl complaining bull. Ugh.

This is… just… sould searching? Part of the process? Even though I don’t like it. I just like hearing my thoughts out loud I think.

Anyway, I feel kind of unmotivated to do any sort of demo reel work for internships this up coming summer. I just want to research and look into the kind of thing that Tom does. I guess it might have to wait until the end of January though. Ugh stupid demo reel. It never feels like any thing I do is good enough. It really isn’t. I’m so mad at myself for messing this up. Tomorrow though I will definitely start doing something. I’ll stay at the computers all night and watch movies and shit and I’ll do what ever it takes to get storyboards done. Ugh. I don’t want to do TV boards though. TV is so shit. I don’t want to animate either AUUUUGHHH. Streeeessss.

Other things…. I just came back from Vancouver. It was nice getting in touch with my roots again. It’s motivated me to do something for sure but I’m not sure what. I’m constantly afraid that I have no idea what family means. That I will never know. That maybe I’ll go crazy in the process of figuring it out?

Gaston really pressed that button with me when I was there. He’s all about that family maybe? I don’t know they’re super conservative and it bugs the shit out of me, but it seems like they care? They say they love me. What more could I ask for? But at the same time I mean I said that with E and then we broke up. I guess I’m just not the committed kind of gal.

I just float never finishing anything I start. Which is unfortunate. I guess that should be a goal of mine. Start something and finish it. I might actually do that with working out this year. 

Planning on going to the gym more often this year. I’m actually seriously looking up plans right now to figure it out. These 12 week plans look way too long, but if I can stick something out for 12 weeks it might just do me good. Maybe I’ll set the goal 1 week for now…. Start small…. Something manageable. 

S.M.A.R.T. Goals. Yeah. 

Idk what’s wrong with me. I miss my friends. My life is changing so fast. My life will change faster once I graduate. I need to be prepared. I think this is maybe what this period in my life is all about. Looking to the future and setting goals. Realizing potential. Getting places. Doing something with my life. Figuring out who it is I am, who I want to be. I thought I knew, but now that I’ve been given more… I guess knowledge to do the things that I once thought were restrictions…. just so many doors have been opened. My perception of life is changing. It’s going to be fun. 

I feel like I’m no longer plateauing. Is this because of T or because of me? Maybe both. 

I hope that we can make each other better. But I have to keep up. I have to be a better person myself. 

I say this as I stuff my face with pizza.


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