The First Dream

Keeping a diary has helped me a lot since I’ve started writing. Maybe, I just got lucky. Anyway, today wasn’t anything out of the ordinary aside from when I got home… 

I was contemplating buying some smokes, but ended up breaking a promise to myself instead. The no fap one. I felt guilty afterward. Feeling shitty, I slept until my alarm clock woke me. 

I made another commitment to myself, either read or draw, there were no alternatives. Somehow I ended up on zemotion’s blog (someone I am extremely envious of but at the same time so very inspired by!) I read a lot of her entries, and browsed through Toby’s (another inspiration of mine) blog as well. On zemotion’s blog I came across this post… and it really cheered me up, in a very good way.

I had forgotten about my first dream. The other day I mentioned to my roommate that “I don’t feel good unless I have a game to come home to”. I realize now the true meaning of these words. I don’t feel good unless I have inspiration to come home to. 

For me gaming was not only a competitive thing, but also an inspirational thing. My characters are always real to me. They’re not just avatars that run around and collect gold and levels. They actually have their own lives too (in my head anyway). 

Another reason why I think that post really cheered me up was because for a while now I’ve been looking for guidance. After feeling really insecure and embarrassed about my lack of parenting due to the mix up last week…. I just felt so bad for days… I didn’t know who to seek comfort in. My mother rarely comforted me for the majority of the time I was depressed. Some of that depression still resonates with me today. I just want to figure out how to make it better, what thoughts do I have to change so that I can fully focus on my work and developing myself as a person.

In essence I had lost the sight, the reason, for which I came to choose this path in the first place. I need to take time to find it again. That child-like boundless fearlessness as Jingha put it. Not sure what will happen, but I know it will be fun. It has to be.

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