I haven’t been myself lately. In my head I go back to those days in therapy, when I was seeing my psychologist/social worker person. I talk to Genevieve in my head and imagine what she would say. Maybe I just need someone to tell me out loud to do the things that I need to do.
I had dinner with Derek’s mom, grandma, aunt and girl cousin today. I almost cried.
Yesterday I came home and got really drunk by myself. I biked to the studio and passed out. Woke up at around 1am, and biked home, still drunk. I’ve been really sad lately too. A lot of things make me sad now that I’m left alone here in this house all the roommates are gone. My friends are just a call away, I know, but I’m always too cowardly to make the first move. Maybe I’m just not kind enough or brave enough or not something enough. Sometimes I just wish I could be alone with myself. I want to be able to be alone with myself and not be sad or depressed about how my life has unfolded.
Genevieve says I should try to remember happy things instead. Be glad that it happened instead of focusing on the negative. I dunno. On top of that I have a list of problems.
- Eugene’s apathy toward our relationship .and this whole situation with his parents. It bothers me all the time, when I’m not distracted it bothers me.
– Does it bother him? If it does, he rarely expresses it to me, he doesn’t seek out solutions to it. That bothers me yes a little bit. If it doesn’t bother him, how long should I wait? How long can I wait? How long can he wait?
– What do I want him to do about it? I guess a little acknowledgement would be nice, but then again, if we broke up, it wouldn’t even have mattered.
– Do I want to break up with Eugene?
- I miss my mother. I haven’t been home in 2 years. I feel like my mom died when she had that aneurysm. She’s still alive though and she calls me once every 1-2 weeks. We’re growing pretty distant I think. Her calls are like a ghost calling me. I feel like I’m slowly grieving. Ever so slowly….
- I miss Vancouver.
- I don’t like being poor.
- Work is ridiculously stressful….
- Second guessing my career choice again. I rarely have the motivation to draw anymore. If I’m not drawing…. I don’t know what I’d do… Watch TV shows? Cook? Clean? Talk to people? Maybe I should just become a housewife? That’ll be my job.
Anyway those are my first world problems. Maybe I should go watch some videos about sadder kids in Africa and that’ll be the guilt that spurs the motivation to get up and carpe diem? Does that seem right to you?