Today my school had arranged for us to meet with University of Toronto Faculty of music students to pair up for music for our films. I woke up early, got dressed, met with my roommates downstairs and then decided not to go.
I’m not sure if I regret this decision yet. Last week Thursday, or was it 2 weeks ago now I made the crippling mistake of showing one of my former professors my leica reel before it was even finished. Obviously he tore it apart, but with good reason.
I feel defeated, stomped to the ground. I haven’t been able to push forward with my film this past week at all. I just want to get through this. I’m tired of dreading work, I’m tired of crying while working, I’m tired of this just keep going, just keep pushing attitude when I have absolutely ZERO desire to make this film. I’ve had enough of waking up every morning dreading my day. I’m so done with it, and yet, I can’t bring myself to give up now. There are only 2 options I’m willingly giving myself, either finish this film this year or literally die (or come close to) trying.
I have to fix this, I have to fix myself before I can go on, before I can be normal again. Here’s an honest attempt at trying to figure it out. If this doesn’t work, the next step is to see my mentor about this possibly, if that doesn’t work I’m going to try a student counsellor, if that doesn’t work…. well… we’ll see. Maybe I’ll start reading biographies of famous filmmakers, and if all else fails, I’m going to speak with Bieliki again and tell him straight up he was too hard on me. I really don’t like that last option though. I refuse to admit weakness. I instead want redemption.
So why can’t I work on my film without crying? Why do I dread waking up? Why am I unmotivated to do anything else except for other people?
I feel like I subconsciously make the same excuses for myself all the time. The biggest excuse I have a problem with is “I don’t have parents to support me”. I don’t know why I can’t shake this. I have parents to support me, but it’s also very limited support. I’m closest with my mom who I’m not even close with. Judging by past experience, I feel like I can’t ask for her advice because our views are so different. Usually when she tries, we just end up fighting. I’m tired of fighting my mom, one of the reasons I live so far away is so that I can mend myself so I can try mending this relationship I have with my mother. I want to be part of a family. I want to experience that. I want to belong to a group. I can’t deny this nature, but to ask my mom for advice, I feel like is not worth the risk of it going sour. My father supports me financially, but… He doesn’t give the best advice. I need to stop using this excuse as a crutch.
I can’t look at my film because of everything that bieliki pointed out that was wrong with it. every time he saw it I knew he was just struggling to find something good to say about it. I don’t know why but that hurt me more than anything. It just didn’t seem as genuine as his critique of it. Which was all solid critique, but it also made me feel so worthless. Kind of like what am I doing here. though I suppose it’s my own fault for having been hurt so bad by it. It’s my fault I had never really tried all these past years in school. It’s my fault for doubting myself and not focusing on what was important. I’m depressed because it’s my fault, Bieliki was just the catalyst to that. Logically I can appreciate that. I did this to myself…. That still doesn’t explain how do I fix this without crying every time I look at my film.
I can’t work on this film because whenever I see it, I just feel sadness.
When I try to start over, start fresh I feel sadness. I feel doubt. Which is the opposite of what I should be feeling when it comes to my film. My film is supposed to be funny, happy-go-lucky.
I try looking at other films for inspiration, but again I’m blocked by doubt. Maybe this isn’t the type of thing for me. I’ve always wanted to be a director, but I clearly don’t know enough and I don’t have the personality to direct films. Stick to bagging groceries instead chump.
Everyday is dedicated to working on this film. I pay at least $100/day to be at school. Half the time I’m not even there working. More than half the time I’m not there. What does that say about my desire to be here?! what does that say about this fucking film. about me. I’m just throwing money around for no reason, for other people’s desires at my own expense? I want to scream. I’ve come so far though. I can’ back down now because I have no plan for what to do next. I don’t have any dreams currently because I’m so focused on getting this film shit together. I am strung along constantly, I have a lack of control.
I’m unmotivated to do this film. I don’t know what the next step is. So far while writing this I’ve only cried remembering my film, and then written Bieliki’s critique of it and then gotten angry at the system.
This was supposed to be my next step. I’m looking for that fighter Christine.
Worst case scenario: I look back on this year I come out with a shitty film, and I remember all the tears I had shed making this film. How useless all that crying was because I came out with a film anyway. I’ll beat myself up and call myself a baby as I usually do. But life will go on.
I will learn to laugh at this misery to laugh at how minuscule this suffering was. I’ll have another chance to decide. At least that’s a small dream I can hold on to.
I feel like I know what I need, but I don’t know where it find it. I just need support. I need love from people who are cheering me on, who I feel won’t judge me by the outcome of my film. I need someone to tell me to believe in myself, to stand up for myself. Maybe that someone should be myself, but sometimes I feel like there is a deeper part of human nature to that. We all are motivated by other people, we all stand up for our significant other, whoever that may be. We all have muses and other’s that we care about that are part of that motivation. When I look for someone to fight for, I don’t see anyone in particular. There is only me and by myself I know I am weak.
I need a family. No, I need support from someone I care deeply about, but there’s no one there.